So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
