I like my sex mixed with concussions.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I FOUND THE LEGS
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