The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
