i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
