I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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