im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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