I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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