I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
