You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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