Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize