ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
