I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize