If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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