they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
