their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
You're so nebulous sometimes
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
