i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
