you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You were trust falling into bushes
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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