oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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