Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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