Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
