I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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