I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
