he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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