I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize