I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
