I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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