You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
My ass is underappreciated
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
