I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I will pee on everything he values.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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