Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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