My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
