I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
