i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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