In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
