his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
