I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
