i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
