I'm gonna have a badass scar
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
