The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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