Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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