Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
