were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
