I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
My penis needs a shock collar
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
