I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
