oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
