So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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