I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
