his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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