if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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