i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
