tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
