Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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