i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I need water and some morals
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
