I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
