I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
