I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
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