My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
