This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
