oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize