Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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