Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
