Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
