About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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