You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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