I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
